To Catch a Predator
by Evenstar Arwen
Summary: Soul Society has uncovered a different type of hollow. Urahara enlists an unwilling Ichigo's help. Funny, not to be taken too seriously. A tiny bit of language, some suggestive material, and almost nudity. Tiny hint at IchixHime. Please review!


Just a fun little thing I came up with while watching clips of To Catch A Predator on YouTube. One shot. Rated for almost nekkidness, and for some subject material. Tiny bit of implied IchixHime.

**To Catch A Predator**

"Are you crazy? I'm not doing that!" Ichigo protested, slamming his fist down on the table. Orihime, who was sitting next to him, jumped slightly, spilling tea on her blouse. Chad offered her a napkin.

"It's the only way." Urahara fluttered his fan rigidly, his patience wearing thing.

"You've the most reiatsu out of any of us, Kurosaki. It's only natural that you play the bait." Uryu pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, and the resulting reflection hid the amusement in his eyes.

"They're just hollows though! Why don't we—" Ichigo's objections were cut short.

"They're not just _any_ hollows!" Yoruichi pounded on the table, leaning towards Ichigo furiously. "They're seasoned predators. They're a different strand. They _require_ a different approach to catch!"

"The Shinigami from Soul Society haven't been able to touch them." Rukia explained martially, "They're still conducting research, and even 12th Division Captain Kurotshuchi Mayuri is completely baffled."

"From what we've gathered, they don't favor the taste of Shinigami souls over the living, or recently deceased." Yoruichi shifted as Tessai began serving bowls of rice to everyone.

"Do they have a preference?" Uryu asked.

"Yes," Urahara's face was mostly hidden behind his fan. There was an amusement to his voice. "Which is why we've explicitly chosen Ichigo for this mission."

"What is the preference, then?" Chad asked calmly, though he was beginning to feel irritated as well.

"Well…" Urahara's fan fluttered ardently.

"You see…" Yoruichi coughed.

"Just spit it out already!" Ichigo was enraged. Either they were going to tell him everything, or he wasn't participating in this ridiculous plot. He didn't want to participate anyway, but that was for other reasons.

"They favor the spirits of young boys. Pedophiles of the spirit world, if you will." Urahara still hid his face. His wildly giddy grin was apparent in his voice. Yoruichi tried hard to suppress a smile herself, and failed.

"Ugh. Why don't you send Rukia then?" Ichigo, who was now blushing badly, tried passing the ballot to someone else. "She looks enough—" Before he could finish, Rukia leaned over and walloped Ichigo upside the head.

"You're a jerk, Ichigo." Rukia commented curtly.

There was a momentary silence, and everyone stared impatiently at Ichigo.

"I'm not doing it!" He hollered, "You can't make me!"

-- Four Hours Later --

"I can't believe they talked me into this." Ichigo grumbled shamefully. He was sitting in a chair in the middle of an abandoned warehouse downtown, wearing nothing but a small black bathing suit. He was greased up with a type of liquefied hollow bait, and it stunk like hot garbage. The only way he'd agreed to have the stuff put on him was if Orihime wore a bikini and oiled him down.

Ichigo smiled inwardly, but then quickly remembered his current situation. It hadn't been worth it. The smell made Ichigo feel like he was going to retch every five minutes. It hadn't been that bad when it was first applied, was it? He had been too involved with staring at Orihime's barely clothed breasts bobbing as she rubbed the nasty shit on his exposed body to really pay attention. Uryu had taught Rukia how to use a Polaroid camera, and she'd used it to take incriminating photos of the whole preparation process. The bathing suit was about two sizes too small and kept riding up his butt. And the warehouse was entirely too cold. There was shrinkage, and Ichigo was not at all happy about it.

"So here's the plan." Urahara emerged from the shadows. Ichigo folded his hands in his lap, feeling particularly naked. Oh wait, he was naked. Pretty much. "There are hidden cameras all around this place, so we can monitor what's going on from a safe distance. When the hollow shows up, just keep it entertained until Rukia can swoop in and knock you out of the gigai. She will perform a binding on the hollow so it can't run away or eat you, and then you finish it off. Understood?"

Ichigo nodded bitterly in response.

"Wonderful." And with that, Urahara was gone. Ichigo was alone in the vast, cold, dusty warehouse. With a bunch of cameras secretly recording him.

-- One Hour Later --

Ichigo had nodded off waiting for the hollow to come. A shift in the local atmosphere jarred him to consciousness. A hollow appeared several yards away from Ichigo. It was about 8 feet tall, with a slug-like body and four tentacled arms.

"Oh, a fresh one," It chuckled, advancing towards Ichigo.

"H-hey." Ichigo cleared his throat, rising from the chair. "Sup?"

"And how old are you, little boy?" The hollow slithered closer, a thin, forked tongue flitting out across it's mouth.

"F-fif… Thirteen." Ichigo swallowed hard as he recalled Urahara's coaching.

"So young… so sweet. Are you a virgin?"

Ichigo hated that cameras were recording him, and that his friends were watching as well. "Y-yes." The answer held more truth than he'd like to admit.

"Ooh, how very nice. I'd hate to tarnish your sweet little body…"

Rukia dropped from a hole in an upper floor. She was wearing her special glove, and aimed it at the back of Ichigo's head. He separated from his gigai, which crumpled to the ground in a prostrate position. The knees had remained bent though, so that the bathing-suit clad rear end was up in the air.

"Aw, come on!" Ichigo groaned, "As if this isn't embarrassing enough!"

"Way of Binding Number 1!" Rukia chanted, and the hollow screamed out frustratedly.

"You little twat!" The hollow tried to break free of it's invisible restraints.

"You know, what you're doing is wrong." Rukia explained calmly.

"So what!" It hissed back, "It feels so right."

"Ichigo," Rukia cued.

"Right." Ichigo jumped up and slashed through the hollow. It dematerialized with an agonizing howl.

"Bravo! That was excellent." Urahara came out from the shadows, clapping appreciatively. Ichigo stood in front of his humiliated gigai, hoping his robes would hide its embarrassing position. "Now, we'll meet back at my shop tomorrow at the same time, to review the tapes."

"Review the tapes?" Ichigo balked.

"Yes. We'll be doing this again next week. You didn't think there was just one pedophilic hollow, did you?"


End file.
